I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
pray to the hookup gods
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
