puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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