so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
