Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
