I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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