so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
