Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
