I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
