I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
