I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
