I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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