Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
