I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I will pee on everything he values.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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