Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
