I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
