I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
