Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
