I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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