You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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