now i know why i became what i already was.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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