Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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