Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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