So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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