I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
