I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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