chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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