The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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