i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
