My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have fence marks all over my body
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
