Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's blow job season.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
