The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
