I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
