In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
