She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
