did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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