"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
