I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
