I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
