Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
