Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
