Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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