I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
