I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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