you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
