he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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