Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
