I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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