2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
