either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
