I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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