shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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