im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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