I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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