there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
