Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
