So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize