Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
