I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
