Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
