naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
