Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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